When Preston switched on the light, three different moths, resting in random corners of the room, all took flight at the same time, racing towards the lamp, circling it and banging their heads against the bright light bulb.
As they were flying back and forth, the shadows they cast on the wall grew bigger and then smaller, changing constantly -a playful but at the same time, eerie performance, which Preston found strangely fascinating.
A couple of minutes later however, he grew annoyed with their chaotic movements, which were starting to remind him of the one time he was in a mosh pit at a rock festival.
He didn’t know any of the bands, nor did he like rock music in general, but Camilla , the work colleague he was obsessed with, had told him that she would be there and so, he thought that the festival would be a good opportunity to connect with her.
Preston connected instead with a group of metal heads, who dragged him into a slam dance. He lost a tooth that night and also lost his interest in pursuing Camilla; especially after he found out that she hadn't been at the festival at all.
To make matters worse, she even laughed when she noticed that his front tooth was missing.
It was one of those laughing fits which one initially tries to suppress, but ends up bursting with a lot more energy than initially intended.
Preston felt humiliated and then furious with her and even though Camilla apologised for laughing, he hadn’t spoken to her since. This was also due to the fact that he had quit his job shortly after the incident, so they were no longer colleagues.
Camilla would have dated him even if he was missing a tooth, maybe especially because of it; but he couldn't have known that.
Preston was too sensitive and besides, at the time, he already had a girlfriend who was treating him badly.
He was now chasing the moths with a slipper and thinking of Camilla, wondering if she was still working there and if she was seeing anyone.
He had replaced the missing tooth, but not before his ex - girlfriend broke up with him. When she left him, she also told him some ugly truths that he himself had been unaware of, but which rang true and were still ringing in his head, tormenting him at regular intervals.
He finally got one of the months! The other two were still flying around the lamp, as though nothing had happened. He didn't want to chase them anymore and switched off the light instead. The moths were all quiet now.
He unlocked his phone and looked for Camilla's number, not entirely sure if he had erased it. He eventually found it in an old text: the one in which she had shared the name of the rock festival.
Preston copied the number, dialed it, but quickly changed his mind, when he realised that he had no idea what to say to her.
One minute later however, his phone was ringing and he recognised Camilla's number! He was trying to calm himself and after a couple of seconds of hesitation, he answered.
“Hello?”
“Hi, this is Camilla White. I missed your call.”
He realised that she had erased his number as well.
“Oh, I must have dialled the wrong number, sorry!” Preston said with a deep voice that was not his own.
“Oh, ok! It happens, no problem, bye now!” she said and hung up.
While she was speaking, Preston could picture her inquisitive and honest face with a clarity that surprised him.
He was now lying on the bed with his eyes closed and could even remember what she was wearing on that day when he last saw her.
Her curly black hair was flowing in strands over her beige trenchcoat and underneath it, a green cashmere cardigan, which he thought, was very well matched with the mustard yellow trousers. He couldn't remember her shoes.. And now, he wasn't so sure how sardonic her laughter had actually been. Anyway, he might have misunderstood her and she might have apologised sincerely. He hadn't even given her a chance to tell him why she had missed the festival!
Preston was not sure if he should call her again from the same number, admit that it was him and apologize or if he should get a new number, call her and speak to her when he was ready and knew what to say.
He started rehearsing some “hello's” and several “icebreakers”, trying to sound nonchalant, but funny at the same time. He imagined himself inviting her to a nice coffee shop, where he would offer to buy her a cake and talk about anything, really listening and also asking the right questions, which would prove to her that he was paying attention.
The silence of the dark room was suddenly broken by the sound of a phone alert, which vibrated and also cast a dim light, waking one of the moths. A quick flutter of the wings, but then it was all quiet again.
He picked up the phone and opened a message which said:
“Hey Preston”, followed by a smiley face.
He didn’t have to check the number.
“Of course she’s figured it out!” he said to himself.
He would now have to forget about all those hello’s and icebreakers and work instead on a good enough excuse for why he had pretended to be someone else.
He put his phone in his pocket and started pacing along the small, dark room, trying to avoid the bed frame and the little desk with a chair tucked underneath; nothing else was in his way, but he still had to shorten his steps in order to make as many as three in one direction.
The ideas that he was able to conjure with this inner dialogue were nothing that he hadn’t heard before and when he felt that he wasn’t making any progress, he decided to get out of the room and also out of his head.
The kitchen was bright and noisy. Not only was the kettle on, but also the washing machine; his housemate, who was speaking on the phone, added to the chaos, shouting over all the clanging, rattling and whistling of the appliances.
This was exactly what Preston needed because his inner voice wasn’t able to say anything coherent.
He went to the cupboard and took out the coffee, then gestured to his housemate, pointing to the kettle and then to the coffee, to which the housemate held two fingers up and Preston understood that he would like a coffee as well.
By the time it was done, the housemate had finished his phone conversation and the washing machine only needed three more minutes.
“Hey Liam, did you want some sugar or milk?” asked Preston while carrying both cups to the table.
“No, black is fine. By the way, let's play a game of chess,” said the housemate.
Preston, who had played with him a few times before and won, agreed, instinctively hoping that a victory would help better his mood.
He blundered a few moves into the game, but Liam didn't notice, so the game went on until they were both left with the king and a pawn. Preston managed to promote his pawn first and eventually won, but it didn't feel as good as he had hoped.
“I’ll get you one of these days” said Liam while shaking his hand. “And when I do, I'll be a lot happier than you are right now.”
Preston looked at him and felt the urge to talk about his existential crisis, but then decided against it and responded with a forced smile instead.
“I imagine that being a good chess player also makes you more anxious in your daily life.” Liam said, while gathering the pieces and meticulously placing them back onto their squares.
“How so?” asked Preston who started doing the same on his side of the board.
“Well, the higher the level of the game and players, the better you will see all the dangers of making the wrong move. You're starting to wonder: what if he's gonna try to do to me what I am trying to do to him?”
“But it would also help you plan better, wouldn't it? “
“I don't know, I think it might just make you more indecisive.”
Preston was quiet and thought deeply about the suggestion, but a few seconds later, Liam interrupted his thoughts with a laughter and said:
“Come on, Preston! I'm just playing! It's my revenge for always losing to you. Let's play another one?”
“No, sorry, I've got some things on my mind, so I’m very distracted and anxious; maybe tomorrow.”
Liam only addressed one part of what Preston had tried to communicate and completely ignored the suggestion of a personal crisis:
“Well, you know where to find me..” he said and took a long, noisy sip of coffee.
Preston nodded and made his way back to the room, but then suddenly stopped and turned back to the table.
“Actually Liam, I wanted to ask you something. About what you said earlier.. about being indecisive.”
“Go ahead!” said the housemate, looking at the board and trying to place the pieces exactly in the middle of the squares.
“How do you become more determined and I don't know.. assertive?”
Liam looked up at him and said with a bitter smile on his face:
“ How do I know? We're both in our late 20’s and live in this shabby apartment, in the middle of nowhere.. Do you think I'm the right guy to ask?”
Preston thought for a second and chose to say nothing more on the subject; instead, he mentioned some things that needed to be fixed, cleaned and replaced around the house. They both agreed on a schedule and went back to their rooms.
What he actually wanted to know from Liam, was how he was able to bring so many girls to that shabby apartment, in the middle of nowhere.
He spent the rest of the day walking. He went to the shopping mall, where he spent 3 hours with no interest in buying anything, then to the city centre, where he walked in and out of several coffee shops, until he chose the one where he would invite Camilla after meeting her outside of her office building the next day.
When he returned home, Preston caught the other two moths and threw them out the window. He started reading, but then found himself wondering how long the moths would survive the cold January night and he felt bad about what he had done.
His own room was cold, so he had to sleep in very warm clothes, including a jacket and two pairs of socks, which he was also wearing around the house.
He did not respond to Camilla's text, but told himself that he would go and wait for her with a confident “hello” and a very good icebreaker.
He turned up 15 minutes before she was supposed to finish work and started rehearsing the things he wanted to say. He tried out different voices and styles, including self-mocking humour, a distant and cool attitude, being pleasantly surprised (in this scenario, he would pretend that he was there to meet another former colleague).
When Camilla came out, Preston quickly turned the other way and hid behind a tree, before she could spot him. He could not believe what he had seen! He had to make sure that his eyes were not playing tricks on him.
He peaked from behind the tree and this time he was certain:
Camilla was holding hands with his ex-girlfriend's brother, Damian.
He was in his late 30’s, had a beard and was wearing a leather jacket, which made him look even more menacing than Preston had remembered him.
He had always been intimidated by his ex's brother because, every time they would meet, he seemed to be holding back his insults for his sister's sake.
But Damian would look at him a certain way and Preston was quite sure that he thought very little of him.
Now, Preston was looking at Damian as he was kissing Camilla and she was kissing him back! After an excruciatingly long moment of affection, he watched them as they hopped on Damian's motorbike and rode away.
Preston’s first thought was :”I'm sure it's just a fling” and decided right then and there that Damian was not right for her.
Later that evening, he texted Camilla the following:
“Hey, sorry about not responding earlier. Do you think we could meet for a coffee? I have something to share”
She only responded the next morning, but he was happy to read:
“A few colleagues are going out on Friday night. You are welcome to swing by. The club is Groove 5 and we're meeting at 10. We can talk then”
For the next couple of days, Preston was in a very good mood and became very convinced that there was nothing serious between Damian and Camilla. For all he knew, they had split up on that same day when he last saw them.
On Friday, he became nervous again and started fidgeting, trying on different outfits, different hairstyles and the most comfortable shoes, playing the music that he thought would be most likely to be played in that club and watching himself in the mirror, approaching with the best smile on his face.
Preston settled for a skull t-shirt, black jeans and heavy boots, hoping that Camilla would appreciate his style.
When he walked out of his room, Liam was very surprised to see him dressed like a punk rocker and even though he protested - telling Preston that the style did not match his personality - he ended up contributing to the mismatch by giving him his own black leather jacket.
Preston decided to leave early and walk all the way, imagining that, with the money he would save, he could buy Camilla a drink.
One hour later, when he finally walked into the club, his eyes were eagerly surveying the space, finding no rest until they identified the group of ex-colleagues that he hadn’t expected to ever see again.
By the look on their faces, when Preston approached, they were expecting the encounter even less.
It became clear to him that Camilla hadn’t told them that he would join and indeed, she wasn’t even there, so the situation was more awkward than Preston had expected.
The music was loud and he didn’t know whom to ask his questions, until he noticed that, while everyone turned their attention away from him, there was still one pair of eyes which were watching him: they belonged to Martha, the only ex-colleague who said “sorry you are leaving” when Preston quit his job.
She wasn't the prettiest girl in the office, but she had always been nice to him and during the 6 months in which they were colleagues, Preston got to know her quite well.
He got closer to her and shouted in her ear:
“Is Camilla around?”
Martha nodded her head and shouted back:
“She's out for a cigarette. With Jim”
Preston was not a smoker, but thought that he could smoke one if this would give him the chance to speak to Camilla somewhere more private.
“But Jim? Why would she hang out with that guy?” Preston thought.
Just as he was about to say something else to Martha, with the corner of his eyes, Preston noticed Camilla walk in.
She was laughing and so was Jim; they stopped on the dancefloor and when they started dancing, they looked like a couple.
Camilla was so provocative and seemed to be so relaxed around Jim, that Preston thought it might be a good idea to just go home and forget all about her.
One moment later, however, Camilla noticed Preston and seemed to be very happy to see him. She came running and gave him a long hug, then dragged him to the dancefloor, where Jim was waiting, a little bit disappointed, or so Preston thought.
As soon as Camilla was back, Jim resumed his dancing and Camilla responded in the same lascivious manner, but when Preston also started dancing next to them, Camilla turned to him and ignored Jim completely.
Her skin was glowing under the psychedelic colours of the disco ball and the smile on her face was so inviting, that Preston could hardly control his desire to kiss her.
Jim, who was now left in the background, didn't take this new development too well and started dancing behind Camilla, rubbing against her and touching her hip.
A moment later, Jim was lying on the floor, unconscious. Damian had slapped him so hard that, when people later described the incident, they said that the smack was actually much louder than the music.
Camilla did not turn to see what had happened, but continued dancing with Preston, who was so mesmerised by her moves, that he completely ignored what had happened to Jim.
Damian first punched him in the stomach and then slapped him, which produced a prolonged ringing in Preston’s ear.
While he was still gasping for air, he felt that he was being dragged by the collar away from Camilla’s smile, away from the glowing discoball, away from sleepy Jim, away from his ex-colleagues, all the way outside, where Damian held him down and raised his fist again, threatening to unload it.
He changed his mind a few seconds later and said:
“I can’t believe you dated my sister, you little prick! If I see you anywhere near Camilla again, I’ll cripple you”
Preston could not say anything, but when Damian finally let go of him, he watched him walk back into the club, thinking that Camilla was very lucky to have him.
Martha, who had followed them outside, quickly went to him and tried to help him up, but Preston was not ready to stand.
Then Damian reappeared, dragging Jim by the collar and placing him next to Preston. He was mumbling something, but in a few moments, the cold January air sobered him up and he stood up a lot faster than Preston had expected. He then started walking away without saying a word.
When Preston looked up at Martha, the bright light of the street lamp made it difficult to see her face and he gestured with his hand that she should move a bit to the left in order to cover the light. When she finally stood in the right position, Preston could swear that there was a halo forming around her head and then her whole body became a source of light. He felt the urge embrace her.
He quickly jumped to his feet but Martha looked at him very scared and went back inside.
Has she always been this beautiful?
